Stories

I am 38 and already a Widow?

2.5 years ago I lost my husband. Who knew that at 36 I would be a widow with a 2 year old. It had been a very long road of dealing with alcohol and depression. He had been through rehab twice, didn't complete the second facility and had a massive family that supported him and wanted for him to get better. But I don't think he wanted it. I am still not sure why but his demons were fierce and they took over. My late husband was incredibly smart. It blew me away at how much he knew. I honestly think this was part of his problem. Anyways, the day I found him, after he took his life, my life of course changed. In that moment, the questions and feelings that flooded me were insane! What do I do? Where do I go? Did he have any bills that needed to be paid? A funeral? I have to plan a funeral? I have to go to work tomorrow – I need to call my boss! The questions were endless and the feeling of being completely overwhelmed was more than I felt I could deal with. BUT I had my son, I needed to keep it together for him. In the week that followed I felt that I could get through it, I was strong, my son needed me, but when I look back at that time…..wow! I was a mess! I went back to work after the funeral, I felt that I needed to get back to a routine, boy was that a bad decision. Again, at the time, I thought I was fine. When I look back, I was no where close to being fine. I really should have a taken some time to grieve, whatever that means. But here I am now, almost 2.5 years later and I feel stronger than I have ever felt. Am I over what happened? Absolutely not, I don’t think anyone gets over something like that. But I have learned so much about myself and I have taken the time to talk and to grieve. If you have lost someone, my biggest take away from this experience is to talk, let it out, especially to someone who has been through a similar situation. It made a world of a difference for me.